i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
please don't ironically join a cult
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