I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize
