I just cut my nipple shaving
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
That accounts for only three of the penises
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
Randomize
