you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
she smelled like a LAN party
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
