i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
