you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
Actions speak louder than pants.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
Randomize
