did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
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