she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
Randomize
