The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
Randomize
