I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Randomize
