but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
