this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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