after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
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