I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
Randomize
