Tell her to GTFO!!!!! JAI HO!!!!!
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
Randomize
