Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
She bit a glass in half.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
Randomize
