you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
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