Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
Randomize
