after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
