just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
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