Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
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