new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Randomize
