So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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