pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
this hospital has no fireball
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
Randomize
