I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
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