No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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