dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
My mind says no, but my body says yes.
What does your body say about chlamydia?
its no coincidence her full name and "cling" are the same in t9
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
Randomize
