I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
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