If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
I'm bringing poparts in case anyone gets hungry. The trek to frat row is strenuous.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
