I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Randomize
