I can't breathe out the right side of my face
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
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