Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Randomize
