Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
Randomize
