I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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