So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
I think my nap took me to another dimension
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that đ I went with "no"
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying âFUCK YOUâ to all my spam emails. Canât tell you how excited I am
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
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