you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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