wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Randomize
