Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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