How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
Randomize
