We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
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