I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Randomize
