Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
