the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
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