when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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