She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
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