She went from zero to smokin in five shots
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
Randomize
