John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
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