I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
Randomize
