How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
Randomize
