when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
he just fucked me for my cheese.
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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